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Groves Dyke Giggles |
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To read the punch line, run your mouse over the blank line below the question and, as if by magic, the hilarious answer will appear! Or not, as the case may be...
More countryside jokes always required. Please send them to me via this Contact Form. Thanks!
The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese from the mousetrap.
Chic Murray jokes (via DH, thank-you)
# It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
# What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
# We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
# I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning, it gives me the rest of the day to myself.
# I rang the bell of a small holiday cottage and a man opened a window. 'What do you want?' he asked. I want to stay here, I said. 'Well stay there then' and he closed the window.
# A man asked me if I knew the Battersea dog's home. I said I didn't even know it had been missing.
# It was raining cats and dogs and I fell into a poodle.
Tommy Cooper jokes (also via DH, thanks)
# You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
# I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a Snooze button.
# I went to buy a watch and the man asked 'Analogue?' I said 'No, just the watch.'
# I asked to buy a goldfish and the pet shop owner said 'Do you want to buy an aquarium?' I said I didn't care what star sign it was.
# I phoned The Ramblers club and this bloke just went on and on...
# What do I think of voluntary work? I wouldn't do it if you paid me.
# So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said 'No, this is for the custard.'
# So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said 'Nearest the bull goes first' and he went 'Baah' and then I went 'Moo' and he said 'You're closest.'
# I visited the local office of the RSPCA today. You couldn't swing a cat in there.
Hot Air
Walking out in the countryside one day, a lady heard a man's voice say 'Excuse me'. She looked around and saw no one, but then looked upwards and saw a man in the basket of a hot air balloon hovering just above her head
'Excuse me' he repeated. 'Sorry to startle you, but I seem to be stuck. Can you tell me where I am, please?'
She replied 'You are 29.4 meters above the ground at a point located 55 degrees 17 minutes West and 12 degrees 43 minutes East.'
'You must work in IT' he replied and she asked how he knew. 'Well, I'm sure that your answer is 100% accurate, but I have still got absolutely no idea where I am because I didn't understand any of it.'
'You must work in management' she replied, 'Because you got yourself into your present predicament, it is all due to hot air, you have no idea what to do except rely on those below you - and now suddenly it's all my fault!
The Bacon Tree
The two weary travellers crossed the desert on foot. Weak with hunger and thirst, they staggered on for mile after weary mile. Suddenly 'I can smell bacon!' one shouted and the other agreed. With renewed energy they clambered to the top of a sand dune and there, in the hollow beyond, was a tree with its branches dripping in rashers of bacon as they grilled in the fierce heat of the sun.
'You stay here' said the fitter man 'and I will get you some' but as he ran down the slope a machine gun opened up and he had to dive for cover. 'It's no good' he shouted to his friend. 'It's not a Bacon Tree - it's a Ham Bush!'
The Good Samaritan?
A millionaire is driving his Rolls Royce when he sees several men on the verge eating the short grass. He stops to ask them what they are doing and they reply 'We are poor, we are hungry and we have no money, so we are eating the grass'.
'Come with me' says the millionaire and they all get into his Roller, including their wives and all their children. 'The more the merrier' says the millionaire, 'For I have lots of food at my mansion.'
The hungry passengers thank their driver but he waves it all away. 'It's no trouble' he says, 'My lawn mower broke down last month and my grass must be 2 feet high by now...'
A Short Quiz for Smart People:
These 4 questions will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Answer each question and THEN scroll down...
Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Scroll down for the answer...
A1. Open the fridge door, put in the giraffe and then close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way). Scroll down for Q2...
Q2. How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A2. Did you say 'Open the fridge, put in the elephant and close the door? Wrong answer. The correct answer is to open the fridge, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and then close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions). Scroll down for Q3...
Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
A3. Correct answer is: The elephant. The elephant is in the fridge. You just put him there, remember? (This tests your memory). Ok, even if you failed on the first 3 questions, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities...
Q4. There is a river you must cross, but it is used by crocodiles and you have no boat. How do you cross it?
Q4. Correct answer: You jump in and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are at the animal conference. (This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes).
According to Anderson Global Consulting, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all 4 questions wrong, but many pre-school children got them right. This disproves conclusively the theory that most professionals have the brains of a 4-year old!
A Frog Loan
A frog hops into a bank and approaches the counter. The name plate says 'Patricia Wack', so he says "Hello, Miss Wack, I would like to borrow £50,000, please." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. "Kermit Jagger," he replies "My father is Mick Jagger and he knows your Bank Manager."
"I see" said Patty and explained that such a big loan would need some collateral. "Sure, I've brought this" said Kermit and hands over a tiny pink china elephant.
Utterly confused, Patty carries it through to the Manager's Office and tells him "There's a frog outside called Kermit Jagger who says you know his father and it wants to borrow £50,000 on the strength of this elephant. What's so special about this little elephant?" she asks in bewilderment.
The Manager smiles at her knowingly and sings: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."
You know you are living in the 21st Century when:
Noah and the 2007 Flood
And the lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK, and said: 'Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave unto Noah the CAD print out, saying 'Verily, you have only 6 months to build the Ark before I send the rains for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the lord appeared unto Noah and saw him weeping in his yard, but no Ark. 'Noah!' he roared, 'The rains have begun as I sayeth, but where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, lord' begged Noah 'But I needed Building Regulations Approval and I have been arguing with the Fire and Rescue Service about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours complained that I should have obtained Planning Permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is a development of the site, even though I pointed out that it was only a temporary structure. We had to go to Appeal with the Secretary of State, but then the Highways Agency demanded a Bond be posted for the future costs of moving electricity power lines and other obstructions to clear a route for the Ark to move to the coast, even though I told them that the coast would be coming to the Ark, but they would hear none of it.
'Getting the wood was also a problem. All the suitable trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and I live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest created to protect the habitat of the Lesser Spotted Marshmallow. I tried to convince the conservationists that I needed the timber in order to save the Lesser Spotted Marshmallow, but they would hear none of it either.
'When I started to gather the animals I was prosecuted by the RSPCA. They said I was confining wild animals without the appropriate licences, that the accommodation was unsuitable and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many predators and prey together in such a confined space. Then the Environment Agency and the County Council both agreed that we had to carry out an Environmental Impact Assessment on your proposed Flood before they would give you permission. I am still trying to resolve a complaint to the Equal Opportunities Commission about exactly how many disabled carpenters I should employ and the Immigration Service have started to ask questions about the carpenters' nationality and their Work Permits. The Trade Unions say I that I can't employ my own sons and also insist that I employ only accredited and qualified carpenters with previous Ark-building experience.
'Then Revenue and Customs seized all my assets, having been alerted by the Police Wildlife Unit who claimed that I was trying to leave the country illegally with numerous Endangered Species. So forgive me lord, but it will take me at least 6 years to finish this project.'
Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun shone again, with a magnificent rainbow across the sky. Noah looked up and asked 'Are you not going to destroy the world after all?'
'No need' said the lord 'For the government and the EU have already beaten me to it!'
Alaskan Department of Fish and Game Notice:
Due to the increase in Human / Grizzly Bear interactions all tourists, hikers and fishermen are advised to take extra precautions and to be alert for Bears this summer. Little bells fastened to your clothing will give bears an audible and non-threatening warning of your approach. You are advised to carry pepper spray as back-up, in case the warning bells prove insufficient.
It is also a good idea to look out for fresh signs of Bear and be able to recognise the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear dung. Black Bear dung contains lots of berries and smells of fruit. Grizzly Bear dung has little bells in it and smells of pepper.
Crack a smile:
The Pensioner's Prayer: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to bump into the ones I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
To: Rt
Hon
David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR
16 May 2007
Dear Secretary of State,
My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to
join the "not rearing pigs" business.
In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is
the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour
in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common
Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not
rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not
rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there
too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local
Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for
forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is
- until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?
I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000
pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become
more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing
to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect
about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be
eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing
harmful and polluting methane gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of
cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I
qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current
Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with
virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?
In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and
will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.
I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
Yours faithfully,
Q: Why are Elephants large, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they would be Asprins.
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to publish it in The Times:
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay
my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed
between his presenting the cheque and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to
the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has
been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My
mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which
I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned
by a solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with
a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it
cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer a password to access my computer is
required. (A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman. DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD?
More gems like this on www.difflock.com > Forum > Coffee Break
Click here for Violent Veg - the carnivores strike back!
NEW on 1/4/05 - Courses for Countryside staff - A New European Initiative. [click here]
What is brown and sticky?
A stick.
______________________________________________________________
The Country Lane and the Main Road were chatting in the pub when the Hard Shoulder joined them, looking very pale and shaking like a leaf. 'I've just been threatened by him' he explained, pointing at a stranger at the other side of the bar. 'Stay well away from him' he added 'He's a Cycle Path!'
____________________________________________________________
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't. You get it from a duck.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A council bin lorry.
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he then disposes of the dead fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two Chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure and moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
Upon the death of a farmer in Warwickshire his son was clearing out the loft when he found an old cobblers repair ticket from 1949. On checking the phone book to his amazement the shop was still listed in the local town. Having a sense of fun he took the ticket to the shop. The cobbler went into the back of the shop, returning after 5 minutes to announce "They'll be ready on Thursday."
______________________________________________________________
American farmer visiting England upon seeing a farmer leaning over his farm gate stopped to enquire the size of the farm. The English farmer pointed out the river, saying that's the eastern boundary, the line of poplars in the distance, that's the northern boundary, the lane over there is the western boundary and the road in front of us is the southern. "Gee!" says the American "I can get in my car and drive all day and all night and I still wouldn't reach the end of my spread back home." "Ah I know what you mean" says the English farmer, "I used to have a car like that but the scrap man took it away."
Snow White had just finished a roll of film on her camera with pictures of the seven dwarfs. She took it to the chemists to get it developed. A few days later she went to collect it but her photos were not ready. A few days later she tried again, still no photos. The shop assistant said, "Don't worry, one day your prints will come!"
A termite walks into a pub and asked, " Is the bar tender here?"
A sandwich goes into a pub. Barman, "What do you want?" Sandwich, "A pint of lager, please." Barman replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food!"
A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back. A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?" The naked man replies, "A fancy dress party." "What as?" asked the bemused gentleman. "A tortoise", said the naked man. "Well, who is she?" said the intrigued gentleman. "Oh, That's Michelle."
They both count (Satacious) Hebrew Characters.
A tortoise went in to a police station. He said, "I have been mugged." The police officer asked who had mugged him. The tortoise replied 'A snail'. The police officer asked, "Can you give us a description?" and the tortoise replied, "No, it all happened so quickly!"
Ham & Eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Two cows in a field, one says "Moo". the other one replies, "I was going to say that."
Two cows in a field, one says to the other, "Are you worried about this mad cow disease?" The other replies, "Why should it worry me? I'm a duck."
Where do bees catch the bus?
At the buzz stop.
I used to work as a Ranger at a Park. We had a
lake and a bit of woodland, and quite a large out of date library. Being
popular with the public, we also has a problem with people abandoning pets -
rabbits, ducks and fowl.
Whilst sitting in the office one day, I heard a knocking on the reception window
and looking up saw no one there. Upon opening the door, there in the reception
was a chicken. "Book - Book Bawk!" It said. I took down some non-descript book
from the shelves and the chicken, tucking it under her wing hopped off. An
hour later, while still completing stats forms at my desk for those upstairs,
the same knock at the door came. Opening it, the same chicken stood there
looking up at me. "Book - Book - Bawk!" A second book I took down and
handed bemused to the chicken. Again with the book tight under her wing, she
made her way out of the courtyard and off around the lakeside path. I returned
to my work. On the third occurrence of the chicken appearing, I got a
little suspicious. What was this chicken doing with all these books? So as not
to arise concern in my feathered customer, I took down a third book which the
chicken eagerly tucked away, turned and made off. I decided to follow -
grabbing my regulation green jacket I cautiously followed this studious fowl.
Along the lakeside path, and ducking into the woodland she went for some time.
"Book Book Bawk" she would call. After ten minutes of pursuit, interrupted only
by her scratchings amongst the occasional pile of leaves, I trailed the chicken
to secret woodland pond. There, sat besides the pool, surrounded by an
assortment of books sat a great fat frog reared up on its front legs. It watch
the chicken with the book get closer and fortunately failed to see me hidden in
the bushes with my regulation green coat.
The chicken approached the large amphibious creature with some reverence.
Dipping her head, pecking and scratching, "Book - Book - Bawk" she called as she
dropped the latest addition to the arboreal library.
The frog took one look at the book, then turned back to chicken with one word.
"Reddit!"
I once went for a job with forestry commission.
After the initial interview, the candidates were lead outside into an arboretum
for some tree recognition skills.
"What's that tree there?" asked the interviewer. "A Larch" called one of
the candidates.
"And what's that one?" The interviewer asked a second time. "A beech"
replied the candidates.
"And what sort of tree is that" asked the interviewer a third time. "An oak" was
the general response.
"Now for the advanced test." announced the interviewer, pointing. "That tree
over there, can you tell me which is the front and which is the back?"
All we candidates walked towards the large specimen and gave it good looking
over, up and down and all around it we walked.
Returning to the interviewer, some moments later than my fellow candidates, I
announced: "This is the front and the other side is the back."
"How did you come to that conclusion" I was asked. You go round the back
of a tree to have a pee!"
Two horses walk into a bar, the barman asks, "Why the long faces, boys?"
______________________________________________________________
A bear walks into a bar, the barman asks what he'd like to drink. A long silence follows before the bear replies "I'll have a pint, please". "Why the long silence?" asks the barman. The bear holds up his front feet and replies "I'm a bear" (big paws?!)
What do you call someone who used to enjoy tractors?
An extractor fan.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "Can you smell fish?"
Two goldfish in tank, one to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"
Work through the following without looking at the end:
1) Think of a number between 1 and 9.
2) Multiply it by 9.
3) If the result is two digits, add them together.
4) Subtract 5 from the answer
5) Give a letter to each number, ie 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D; 5=E, etc
6) Think of a country beginning with this letter – English spelling only and a “proper” country, not just a state or principality.
7) Take the 2nd letter of that country and think of a species of animal beginning with that letter.
8) What is its usual colour?
9) Now, how
is your grey elephant from
It's not a joke but I found it funny. From Rolf Harris's Animal Tales book: A parrot escaped from its cage in Healdsburg, California, in October 1986 and rested at the top of a tall tree. According to the Sun newspaper, it taunted firemen who tried to rescue it by shouting down at them " I can talk. Can you fly?"
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Afghan: Light bulb! What light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And he'll rewire the house while he's at it.
Italian Greyhound: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!
Poodle: Sorry, just had my nails done.
Labrador: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?
Malamute: Let him do it, you can pet me while he's busy.
Springer: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Bernese Mountain Dog: No, don’t change it – if it's dark, maybe no one will see me sleeping on the couch.
Australian Cattle Dog: Zero! Cattle Dogs aren't afraid of the dark!
Irish Wolfhound: Well of course I could reach it… but I'd have to get up!!
The Giant Panda finished the meal then took out a gun, shot the waiter and left - followed by the restaurant manager demanding an explanation. 'Don't you know anything about wildlife?' asked the Panda. 'It's what we are supposed to do. Go and look it up!'
So the manager looked up 'Giant Panda' in the office encyclopaedia and, sure enough, it says 'Giant Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.'
The frog was sitting quietly by the pond in the middle of the park when two ladies walked past. 'Excuse me' said the frog. 'I don't mean to startle you, but if you pick me up I have something very important to tell you.'
One lady picked him up and, sitting in the palm of her hand, it explained 'You see, I'm not really a frog. I am really a handsome young farmer, with a thousand acres of best farmland and a magnificent farmhouse - but I annoyed the local witch and she turned me into a frog. If only you would kiss me, then the spell will be gone, I will be a gentleman farmer once again and I promise to marry you and share my farm with you.'
The lady popped the frog into her handbag and closed it securely. 'Aren't you going to kiss him?' asked her friend in amazement. 'No chance!' she replied. 'With the state farming's in today, I'll make far more money out of a talking frog.'
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