Giggles

Countryside Jokes Section (with grateful thanks to the Countryside Jobs Service for donating this page to the Groves Dyke website).

CJS – get it? No, they don’t get any better, but you may find something useful for a cold, wet, miserable day…

…………………….

Flaming June
It rained and rained and rained.
The average fall was well mentained,
And when the track were were simply bogs
It started raining cats and dogs.
After a drought of half an hour
We had a most refreshing shower.
And then, most curious of all,
A gentle rain began to fall.
Next day was also fairly dry
Save for a deluge from the sky
Which wetted the party to the skin,
And after that the rain set in.
Anon.

……………. …

Farming around the world:

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, and then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has died.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you do not know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
Nobody believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows borrowed from French and German banks.
You eat both of them.
The banks call to collect their milk, but you cannot deliver so you call the IMF.
The IMF loans you two cows.
You eat both of them.
The banks and the IMF call to collect their cows/milk.
You are out getting a haircut.

AN IRISH CORPORATION
You have two cows
One of them is a horse

…………….

To read the punch line, run your mouse over the blank line below the question and, as if by magic, the hilarious answer will appear! Or not, as the case may be…

A Christmas Thank-you:

Day One 
Dear Nuala, 
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear-tree. We’re getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidence. It bit the mother rather badly on the hand but they’re good friends now and we’re keeping the pear-tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again. 
Yours affectionately, 
Patrick 

Day Two 
Dear Nuala, 
I cannot tell you how surprised we were to hear from you so soon again and to receive your lovely present of two turtle doves. You really are too kind. At first the partridge was very jealous and suspicious of the doves and they had a terrible row the night the doves arrived. We had to send for the vet but the birds are okay again and the stitches are due to come out in a week or two. The vet’s bill was £8 but the mother is over her annoyance now and the doves and the partridge are watching the telly from the pear-tree as I write. 
Yours ever, 
Patrick 

Day Three 
Dear Nuala, 
We must be foremost in your thoughts. I had only posted my letter when the three French hens arrived. There was another sort-out between the hens and the doves, who sided with the partridge, and the vet had to be sent for again. The mother was raging because the bill was £16 this time but she has almost cooled down. However, the fact that the birds’ droppings keep falling down on her hair while she’s watching the telly, doesn’t help matters. Thanking you for your kindness. 
I remain, 
Patrick 

Day Four 
Dear Nuala, 
You mustn’t have received my last letter when you were sending us the four calling birds. There was pandemonium in the pear-tree again last night and the vet’s bill was £32. The mother is on sedation as I write. I know you meant no harm and remain your close friend. 
Patrick

Day Five 
Nuala, 
Your generosity knows no bounds. Five gold rings! When the parcel arrived I was scared stiff that it might be more birds, because the smell in the living-room is atrocious. However, I don’t want to seem ungrateful for the beautiful rings. 
Your affectionate friend, 
Patrick

Day Six 
Nuala, 
What are you trying to do to us ? It isn’t that we don’t appreciate your generosity but the six geese have not only nearly murdered the calling birds but they laid their eggs on top of the vet’s head from the pear-tree and his bill was £68 in cash! My mother is munching 60 grains of Valium a day and talking to herself in a most alarming way. You must keep your feelings for me in check. 
Patrick

Day Seven 
Nuala, 
We are not amused by your little joke. Seven swans-a-swimming is a most romantic idea but not in the bath of a private house. We cannot use the bathroom now because they’ve gone completely savage and rush the door every time we try to enter. If things go on this way, the mother and I will smell as bad as the living-room carpet. Please lay off. It’s not fair. 
Patrick

Day Eight 
Nuala, 
Who the hell do you think gave you the right to send eight, hefty maids-a-milking here, to eat us out of house and home ? Their cattle are all over the front lawn and have trampled the hell out of the mother’s rose-beds. The swans invaded the living-room in a sneak attack and the ensuing battle between them and the calling birds, turtle doves, French hens and partridge make the Battle of the Somme seem like Play School. The mother is on a bottle of whiskey a day, as well as the sixty grains of Valium. I’m very annoyed with you. 
Patrick

Day Nine 
Listen you looser ! 
There’s enough pandemonium in this place night and day without nine drummers drumming, while the eight flaming maids-a-milking are beating my poor, old alcoholic mother out of her own kitchen and eating everything in sight. I’m warning you, you’re making an enemy of me. 
Patrick

Day Ten 
Listen manure-face, 
I hope you’ll be haunted by the strains of ten pipers piping which you sent to torment us last night. They were aided in their evil work by those maniac drummers and it wasn’t a pleasant sight to look out the window and see eight hefty maids-a-milking pogo-ing around with the ensuing punk-rock uproar. My mother has just finished her third bottle of whiskey, on top of a hundred and twenty four grains of Valium. You’ll get yours! 
Patrick 

Day Eleven 
You have scandalised my mother, you dirty Jezebel, 
It was bad enough to have eight maids-a-milking dancing to punk music on the front lawn but they’ve now been joined by your friends ~ the eleven Lords-a-leaping and the antics of the whole lot of them would leave the most decadent days of the Roman Empire looking like “Songs of Praise”. I’ll get you yet, you ould bag ! 
Patrick

Day Twelve 
Listen slurry head, 
You have ruined our lives. The twelve maidens dancing turned up last night and beat the living daylights out of the eight maids-a-milking, ‘cos they found them carrying on with the eleven Lords-a-leaping. Meanwhile, the swans got out of the living-room, where they’d been hiding since the big battle, and savaged hell out of the Lords and all the Maids. There were eight ambulances here last night, and the local Civil Defence as well. The mother is in a home for the bewildered and I’m sitting here, up to my neck in birds’ droppings, empty whiskey and Valium bottles, birds’ blood and feathers, while the flaming cows eat the leaves off the pear-tree. I’m a broken man. 
Patrick

 

Small Farming

A man owned a small farm in Scotland. The Inland Revenue claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an Inspector out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the Inspector.
‘Well,’ replied the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board.’
‘There’s my part-timer, under contract. Been here for 18 months, and I pay on average £150 per week plus free midday meals on work days.’
‘Then there’s the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, 7 days a week and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.’
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to…the half-wit,’ says the Inspector.
‘That would be me,’ replied the farmer.

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese from the mousetrap.

 

Chic Murray jokes (via DH, thank-you)

#    It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

#    What use is happiness? It can’t buy you money.

#    We’ve got stained glass windows in our house. It’s those damned pigeons.

#    I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning, it gives me the rest of the day to myself.

#     I rang the bell of a small holiday cottage and a man opened a window. ‘What do you want?’ he asked. I want to stay here, I said. ‘Well stay there then’ and he closed the window.

#    A man asked me if I knew the Battersea dog’s home. I said I didn’t even know it had been missing.

#     It was raining cats and dogs and I fell into a poodle.

Tommy Cooper jokes (also via DH, thanks)

#    You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.

#    I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a Snooze button.

#    I went to buy a watch and the man asked ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just the watch.’

#    I asked to buy a goldfish and the pet shop owner said ‘Do you want to buy an aquarium?’ I said I didn’t care what star sign it was.

#    I phoned The Ramblers club and this bloke just went on and on…

#    What do I think of voluntary work? I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.

#    So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said ‘You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.’ He said ‘No, this is for the custard.’

#    So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said ‘Nearest the bull goes first’ and he went ‘Baah’ and then I went ‘Moo’ and he said ‘You’re closest.’

#    I visited the local office of the RSPCA today. You couldn’t swing a cat in there.

 

Hot Air

Walking out in the countryside one day, a lady heard a man’s voice say ‘Excuse me’. She looked around and saw no one, but then looked upwards and saw a man in the basket of a hot air balloon hovering just above her head

‘Excuse me’ he repeated. ‘Sorry to startle you, but I seem to be stuck. Can you tell me where I am, please?’

She replied ‘You are 29.4 meters above the ground at a point located 55 degrees 17 minutes West and 12 degrees 43 minutes East.’

‘You must work in IT’ he replied and she asked how he knew. ‘Well, I’m sure that your answer is 100% accurate, but I have still got absolutely no idea where I am because I didn’t understand any of it.’

‘You must work in management’ she replied, ‘Because you got yourself into your present predicament, it is all due to hot air, you have no idea what to do except rely on those below you – and now suddenly it’s all my fault!

 

The Bacon Tree

The two weary travellers crossed the desert on foot. Weak with hunger and thirst, they staggered on for mile after weary mile. Suddenly ‘I can smell bacon!’ one shouted and the other agreed. With renewed energy they clambered to the top of a sand dune and there, in the hollow beyond, was a tree with its branches dripping in rashers of bacon as they grilled in the fierce heat of the sun.

‘You stay here’ said the fitter man ‘and I will get you some’ but as he ran down the slope a machine gun opened up and he had to dive for cover. ‘It’s no good’ he shouted to his friend. ‘It’s not a Bacon Tree – it’s a Ham Bush!’

The Good Samaritan?

A millionaire is driving his Rolls Royce when he sees several men on the verge eating the short grass.  He stops to ask them what they are doing and they reply ‘We are poor, we are hungry and we have no money, so we are eating the grass’.

‘Come with me’ says the millionaire and they all get into his Roller, including their wives and all their children. ‘The more the merrier’ says the millionaire, ‘For I have lots of food at my mansion.’

The hungry passengers thank their driver but he waves it all away. ‘It’s no trouble’ he says, ‘My lawn mower broke down last month and my grass must be 2 feet high by now…’

 

A Short Quiz for Smart People:

These 4 questions will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Answer each question and THEN scroll down…

Q1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Scroll down for the answer…

 A1. Open the fridge door, put in the giraffe and then close the door. (This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way). Scroll down for Q2…

Q2. How do you put an elephant into a fridge?

 

 

 

A2. Did you say ‘Open the fridge, put in the elephant and close the door? Wrong answer. The correct answer is to open the fridge, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and then close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions). Scroll down for Q3…

Q3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

 

 

A3. Correct answer is: The elephant. The elephant is in the fridge. You just put him there, remember? (This tests your memory). Ok, even if you failed on the first 3 questions, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities…

Q4. There is a river you must cross, but it is used by crocodiles and you have no boat. How do you cross it?

 

 

 

Q4. Correct answer: You jump in and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are at the animal conference. (This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes).

According to Anderson Global Consulting, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all 4 questions wrong, but many pre-school children got them right. This disproves conclusively the theory that most professionals have the brains of a 4-year old!

 

A Frog Loan

A frog hops into a bank and approaches the counter. The name plate says ‘Patricia Wack’, so he says “Hello, Miss Wack, I would like to borrow £50,000, please.” Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. “Kermit Jagger,” he replies “My father is Mick Jagger and he knows your Bank Manager.”

“I see” said Patty and explained that such a big loan would need some collateral. “Sure, I’ve brought this” said Kermit and hands over a tiny pink china elephant.

Utterly confused, Patty carries it through to the Manager’s Office and tells him “There’s a frog outside called Kermit Jagger who says you know his father and it wants to borrow £50,000 on the strength of this elephant. What’s so special about this little elephant?” she asks in bewilderment.

The Manager smiles at her knowingly and sings: “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone.”

 

You know you are living in the 21st Century when:

1. You accidentally key your PIN number into the microwave.

2. You haven’t played Patience with real playing cards for years.

3. You don’t stay in touch with friends if they haven’t got email.

4. You would rather search the whole house for the remote control rather than just push the tv buttons.

6. Your boss is incapable of doing your job.

7. You are reading this and nodding and smiling and deciding who to email it to…

8. You were too busy to notice number 5.

9. You actually looked back up to check on number 5.

10. And now you are laughing at your own stupidity.

 

Noah and the 2007 Flood

And the lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the UK, and said: ‘Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.’

He gave unto Noah the CAD print out, saying ‘Verily, you have only 6 months to build the Ark before I send the rains for 40 days and 40 nights.’

Six months later, the lord appeared unto Noah and saw him weeping in his yard, but no Ark. ‘Noah!’ he roared, ‘The rains have begun as I sayeth, but where is the Ark?’

‘Forgive me, lord’ begged Noah ‘But I needed Building Regulations Approval and I have been arguing with the Fire and Rescue Service about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours complained that I should have obtained Planning Permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is a development of the site, even though I pointed out that it was only a temporary structure. We had to go to Appeal with the Secretary of State, but then the Highways Agency demanded a Bond be posted for the future costs of moving electricity power lines and other obstructions to clear a route for the Ark to move to the coast, even though I told them that the coast would be coming to the Ark, but they would hear none of it.

‘Getting the wood was also a problem. All the suitable trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and I live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest created to protect the habitat of the Lesser Spotted Marshmallow. I tried to convince the conservationists that I needed the timber in order to save the Lesser Spotted Marshmallow, but they would hear none of it either.

‘When I started to gather the animals I was prosecuted by the RSPCA. They said I was confining wild animals without the appropriate licences, that the accommodation was unsuitable and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many predators and prey together in such a confined space. Then the Environment Agency and the County Council both agreed that we had to carry out an Environmental Impact Assessment on your proposed Flood before they would give you permission. I am still trying to resolve a complaint to the Equal Opportunities Commission about exactly how many disabled carpenters I should employ and the Immigration Service have started to ask questions about the carpenters’ nationality and their Work Permits. The Trade Unions say I that I can’t employ my own sons and also insist that I employ only accredited and qualified carpenters with previous Ark-building experience.

‘Then Revenue and Customs seized all my assets, having been alerted by the Police Wildlife Unit who claimed that I was trying to leave the country illegally with numerous Endangered Species. So forgive me lord, but it will take me at least 6 years to finish this project.’

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun shone again, with a magnificent rainbow across the sky. Noah looked up and asked ‘Are you not going to destroy the world after all?’

‘No need’ said the lord ‘For the government and the EU have already beaten me to it!’

 

Alaskan Department of Fish and Game Notice:

Due to the increase in Human / Grizzly Bear interactions all tourists, hikers and fishermen are advised to take extra precautions and to be alert for Bears this summer. Little bells fastened to your clothing will give bears an audible and non-threatening warning of your approach. You are  advised to carry pepper spray as back-up, in case the warning bells prove insufficient.

It is also a good idea to look out for fresh signs of Bear and be able to recognise the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear dung. Black Bear dung contains lots of berries and smells of fruit. Grizzly Bear dung has little bells in it and smells of pepper.

 

Crack a smile:

1. We divorced over religion: he thought he was god and I didn’t.

2. Don’t suffer from insanity – enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it would be illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don’t take life too seriously – nobody gets out alive.

 

6. You’re just jealous because The Voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the lunatic asylum for the universe.

9. I am not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing…

10. Out of my mind – back in 5 minutes.

 

11. God must love stupid people, he made so many of them.

12. The human gene pool could do with a little chlorine…

13. Consciousness: that annoying period between naps.

14. Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?

15. Being over the hill is better than being under it.

 

16. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

17. Procrastinate Now!

18. I have a degree in General Studies. Do you want fries with that?

19. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

20. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

 

21. Stupidity is NOT a disability, so go and find a proper parking space!

22. They call it PMT because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

23. He who dies with the most toys is still dead nonetheless.

24. A picture is worth a thousand words – but it uses up far more memory.

25. Ham and Eggs – a day’s work for a hen but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

26. When I’m good I’m really good but when I’m bad I’m even better!

26. I only smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on…

27. You are only young once, but you can be immature forever.

28. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean They aren’t out to get you.

29. Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light.

 

The Pensioner’s Prayer:    Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to bump into the ones I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

 

To: Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR 

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the “not rearing pigs” business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these? 

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven’t reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is – until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. 

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don’t rear? 

I am also considering the “not milking cows” business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)? 

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

 

Q: Why are Elephants large, grey and wrinkly?

A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they would be Asprins.

 

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to publish it in The Times:

Dear Sir, 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the 
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. 

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. 
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status form which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. 

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be 
accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on 
your phone bank service. 

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. 

When you call me, press buttons as follows: 
1– To make an appointment to see me. 
2– To query a missing payment. 
3– To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 
4– To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 
5– To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 
6– To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 
7– To leave a message on my computer a password to access my computer is required. (A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 
8– To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8 
9– To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will 
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. 

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. 

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an 
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. 

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. 

Your Humble Client, 

Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman. DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD?

More gems like this on www.difflock.com > Forum > Coffee Break

 

Click here for Violent Veg – the carnivores strike back!

 

NEW on 1/4/05 – Courses for Countryside staff – A New European Initiative. [click here]

 

What is brown and sticky?

A stick.

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The Country Lane and the Main Road were chatting in the pub when the Hard Shoulder joined them, looking very pale and shaking like a leaf. ‘I’ve just been threatened by him’ he explained, pointing at a stranger at the other side of the bar. ‘Stay well away from him’ he added ‘He’s a Cycle Path!’

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How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t. You get it from a duck.

What has 4 wheels and flies?

A council bin lorry.

 

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who’s boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won’t be best pleased he then disposes of the dead fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two Chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure and moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion’s cage – because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What’s the food like here?”

The lions say “Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.”

 

Upon the death of a farmer in Warwickshire his son was clearing out the loft when he found an old cobblers repair ticket from 1949. On checking the phone book to his amazement the shop was still listed in the local town. Having a sense of fun he took the ticket to the shop. The cobbler went into the back of the shop, returning after 5 minutes to announce “They’ll be ready on Thursday.”

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American farmer visiting England upon seeing a farmer leaning over his farm gate stopped to enquire the size of the farm. The English farmer pointed out the river, saying that’s the eastern boundary, the line of poplars in the distance, that’s the northern boundary, the lane over there is the western boundary and the road in front of us is the southern. “Gee!” says the American “I can get in my car and drive all day and all night and I still wouldn’t reach the end of my spread back home.” “Ah I know what you mean” says the English farmer, “I used to have a car like that but the scrap man took it away.”

 

Why didn’t the dendochronologist ever get married?

All he ever dated were trees

What kind of bear dissolves in water?

A Polar Bear

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender “Hey, how much for a beer?

The bartender says, “For you? No charge”

 

What’s green and got about 10,000 legs?

Grass – I lied about the legs.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung

What’s green on the inside and white on the outside and hops?

A frog sandwich

Why did the Mexican throw his wife over the cliff?

Because he wanted tequila

What do you do with a wombat?

Play a game of wom

What is ‘out of bounds’?

An exhausted kangaroo

 

Snow White had just finished a roll of film on her camera with pictures of the seven dwarfs. She took it to the chemists to get it developed.  A few days later she went to collect it but her photos were not ready.  A few days later she tried again, still no photos.  The shop assistant said, “Don’t worry, one day your prints will come!”

 

A termite walks into a pub and asked, ” Is the bar tender here?”

A sandwich goes into a pub. Barman, “What do you want?” Sandwich, “A pint of lager, please.” Barman replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve food!”

A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back. A bloke on the other side of the road asked, “Where are you going?” The naked man replies, “A fancy dress party.” “What as?” asked the bemused gentleman. “A tortoise”, said the naked man.  “Well, who is she?” said the intrigued gentleman.  “Oh, That’s Michelle.”

 

Why did the little boy throw butter out of the window?

To see a butterfly

Why did the little girl throw water out of the window?

To see a waterfall

Have you met the Ranger who is an optimistic pessimist?

He always looks forward to things going wrong!

What did the slug sell to the snail?

A copy of the Big Issue.

What did one farmer say to other farmer?

How’s your farm?

 

A parrot kept using foul language so the owner put it in the freezer to teach it some manners. Parrot rapped on the door promising never to curse again. When his owner let him out the parrot asked, “What did that chicken do?”

 

What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea?

Plenty of room.

 

Little red riding hood went into the forest to bring eggs to her granny where she met the wolf. “What great big eyes you’ve got” she said. The wolf replied “where can a wolf go to have constipation in peace these days?”

 

 

Why are Countryside Rangers and St George Similar?

They’ve both seen a dragon fly.

Why are Countryside Rangers like a bag of compost belonging to Jimmy Carter?

They both get worked into the ground for peanuts.

 

 

What do you call a deer without any eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

Still no idea.

What to you call a deer with three legs?

Eileen

 

 

Ode to earwigs.

There was a mother earwig

Who spent a lot of time in bed.

She had so many children

She had to name them A to Z

 

Earwig A was a bonny lass,

Earwig B was sincere

But it is another earwig

that we’re concerned with here.

 

Footywig they called him

As football was his game,

For though he played at other sports

It was here he earned his fame.

 

For if you go to a football match

From Edinburgh to St Paul

You’ll hear his name – loud and clear –

When the spectators call

EARWIG-O!! EARWIG-O!! EARWIG-O!!

 

O’s young brother, he played too

So skilled, so fast and free

And yet no fans remember him

Nor sing of Earwig P

 

Red sky at night,

Shepherd’s delight…

Drowned sheep in the morning,

Global warming…

 

What connects the Moth Man and the census officer?

They both count (Satacious) Hebrew Characters.

 

A tortoise went in to a police station. He said, “I have been mugged.” The police officer asked who had mugged him. The tortoise replied ‘A snail’. The police officer asked, “Can you give us a description?” and the tortoise replied, “No, it all happened so quickly!”

 

Ham & Eggs – a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

 

Two cows in a field, one says “Moo”. the other one replies, “I was going to say that.”

Two cows in a field, one says to the other, “Are you worried about this mad cow disease?” The other replies, “Why should it worry me? I’m a duck.”

 

Where do bees catch the bus?

At the buzz stop.

 

I used to work as a Ranger at a Park. We had a lake and a bit of woodland, and quite a large out of date library. Being popular with the public, we also has a problem with people abandoning pets – rabbits, ducks and fowl.
Whilst sitting in the office one day, I heard a knocking on the reception window and looking up saw no one there. Upon opening the door, there in the reception was a chicken. “Book – Book Bawk!” It said. I took down some non-descript book from the shelves and the chicken, tucking it under her wing hopped off.  An hour later, while still completing stats forms at my desk for those upstairs, the same knock at the door came. Opening it, the same chicken stood there looking up at me. “Book – Book – Bawk!”  A second book I took down and handed bemused to the chicken. Again with the book tight under her wing, she made her way out of the courtyard and off around the lakeside path. I returned to my work.  On the third occurrence of the chicken appearing, I got a little suspicious. What was this chicken doing with all these books? So as not to arise concern in my feathered customer, I took down a third book which the chicken eagerly tucked away, turned and made off.  I decided to follow – grabbing my regulation green jacket I cautiously followed this studious fowl.  Along the lakeside path, and ducking into the woodland she went for some time. “Book Book Bawk” she would call. After ten minutes of pursuit, interrupted only by her scratchings amongst the occasional pile of leaves, I trailed the chicken to secret woodland pond. There, sat besides the pool, surrounded by an assortment of books sat a great fat frog reared up on its front legs. It watch the chicken with the book get closer and fortunately failed to see me hidden in the bushes with my regulation green coat. 
The chicken approached the large amphibious creature with some reverence. Dipping her head, pecking and scratching, “Book – Book – Bawk” she called as she dropped the latest addition to the arboreal library.
The frog took one look at the book, then turned back to chicken with one word.        “Reddit!”

 

I once went for a job with forestry commission. After the initial interview, the candidates were lead outside into an arboretum for some tree recognition skills.
”What’s that tree there?” asked the interviewer.  “A Larch” called one of the candidates.
”And what’s that one?” The interviewer asked a second time.  “A beech” replied the candidates.
”And what sort of tree is that” asked the interviewer a third time. “An oak” was the general response.
”Now for the advanced test.” announced the interviewer, pointing. “That tree over there, can you tell me which is the front and which is the back?”
All we candidates walked towards the large specimen and gave it good looking over, up and down and all around it we walked.
Returning to the interviewer, some moments later than my fellow candidates, I announced: “This is the front and the other side is the back.”
”How did you come to that conclusion” I was asked.  You go round the back of a tree to have a pee!”

 

Two horses walk into a bar, the barman asks, “Why the long faces, boys?”

______________________________________________________________

A bear walks into a bar, the barman asks what he’d like to drink. A long silence follows before the bear replies “I’ll have a pint, please”. “Why the long silence?” asks the barman. The bear holds up his front feet and replies “I’m a bear” (big paws?!)

 

What do you call someone who used to enjoy tractors?

An extractor fan.

 

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One said to the other, “Can you smell fish?”

Two goldfish in tank, one to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

Two snowmen in a field, one says to the other, “Can you smell carrots?”

 

A young sardine saw her first submarine

She was scared and watched through a peephole

Oh, come come come said the sardine’s Mum

It’s only a tin full of people.

Spike Milligan

 

What’s the difference between a ranger and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley’s got a mind of it’s own but you can get more grub into a ranger.

 

Work through the following without looking at the end:

1)  Think of a number between 1 and 9.

2)  Multiply it by 9.

3)  If the result is two digits, add them together.

4)  Subtract 5 from the answer

5)  Give a letter to each number, ie 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D; 5=E, etc

6)  Think of a country beginning with this letter – English spelling only and a “proper” country, not just a state or principality.

7)  Take the 2nd letter of that country and think of a species of animal beginning with that letter.

8)  What is its usual colour?

9)  Now, how is your grey elephant from Denmark doing?

What’s the definition of a slug?

A snail with a housing problem.

What happened to the frog that broke down?

It croaked OR it got toad away.

Seen on a t-shirt: Preserve Wildlife – Pickle a Squirrel

What’s the definition of a beetroot?

A potato with high blood pressure.

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because the parrots ate ’em all (paracetemol!)

Define ‘agoraphobia.’

Terrified of farmers.

Why couldn’t the viper viper nose?

Because the adder adder hanky

What’s green and sets fire to your vegetables?

A boy sprout

It’s not a joke but I found it funny. From Rolf Harris’s Animal Tales book: A parrot escaped from its cage in Healdsburg, California, in October 1986 and rested at the top of a tall tree. According to the Sun newspaper, it taunted firemen who tried to rescue it by shouting down at them ” I can talk. Can you fly?”

 

How do you make a fishing net?

Get a whole lot of holes and tie them all together with string.

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head!

How do you kill a purple elephant?

Shoot it with a purple elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

Jump on it’s back and strangle it until it’s purple, then shoot it with a purple elephant gun!

Why should you never go walking in the jungle at lunch time?

That’s when the elephants have their parachute practice.

Why are crocodiles flat?

They went walking in the jungle at lunchtime

Why do elephants wear sandals?

Because otherwise they sink in the sand.

Why do ostriches bury their heads in the sand?

They’ re looking for the elephants that forgot their sandals.

What did the cat say when it saw mice on skateboards?

Ah, meals on wheels.

 

The gum chewing student and the cud chewing cow,

Are somewhat alike, yet different somehow.

Just what is the difference?

Ah yes, I see now,

It’s the clear thoughtful look on the face of the cow.

 

 

 

There was a young lady pig, they say she was a smasher

One day she fell under a van, now she’s a bacon rasher!

 

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Afghan: Light bulb! What light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And he’ll rewire the house while he’s at it.

Italian Greyhound: I can’t reach the stupid lamp!

Poodle: Sorry, just had my nails done.

Labrador: Oh, me, me!! Pleeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I?

Malamute: Let him do it, you can pet me while he’s busy.

Springer: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Bernese Mountain Dog: No, don’t change it – if it’s dark, maybe no one will see me sleeping on the couch.

Australian Cattle Dog: Zero! Cattle Dogs aren’t afraid of the dark!

Irish Wolfhound: Well of course I could reach it… but I’d have to get up!!

 

Why do swallows fly south in the winter?

It’s too far to walk.

Why do the birds at the top of a tree cost more than the ones lower down?

‘Cos they are on higher perches.

 

Why wouldn’t the bicycle go any further?

It was two tyred!

 

How do you tell a weasel from a stoat?

A weasel is weasily stolt from a stoat what is stotally different.

Define ‘Polygon’.

The parrot has escaped.

What is black and yellow and goes ‘Zzub, Zzub’?

A bee flying backwards.

What animal goes ‘oooooooo’?

A cow with no lips.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

Why was the scarecrow awarded an MBE?

He was out standing in his field.

What has four wheels and flies?

A bin lorry.

What’s green and furry and goes up and down, up and down?

A gooseberry in a lift.

What’s brown and sticky?

A stick.

What noise annoys an oyster?

Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster even more.

What did the fish say when it couldn’t swim upstream any further?

Dam!

Why do polar bears not eat penguins?

1. They can’t get the wrappers off. 2. Because polar bears live near the North Pole and Penguins live near the South Pole.

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, you get it from a duck.

What was the Carrion Crow carryin’?

A carrion film.

What do Spotted Flycatchers eat?

Spotted flies, of course.

Why was the turkey called Christmas?

Because it was white.

Which seabird is always out of breath?

A Puffin.

What did the tide say when it went out?

Nothing, it just waved.

What is yellow and dangerous?

Shark-infested custard.

What do you do if a big tree is about to fall on your head?

Cross your ankles andthen it will be easier to unscrew you out of the ground afterwards…

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with three legs?

Eileen.

You’ve read the one about the deer with no eye.. Well what do you call a fish with no eye?

fsh

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A Doyouthinkhesaurus.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

What do you call a man with a spade?

Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade?

Douglas.

What did the earwig say as it fell off the tree?

“‘ere we go!”

What do you give to an injured hare?

Hair Restorer.

How do hedgehogs mate?

Very carefully.

 

The Giant Panda finished the meal then took out a gun, shot the waiter and left – followed by the restaurant manager demanding an explanation. ‘Don’t you know anything about wildlife?’ asked the Panda. ‘It’s what we are supposed to do. Go and look it up!’

So the manager looked up ‘Giant Panda’ in the office encyclopaedia and, sure enough, it says ‘Giant Panda: Eats shoots and leaves.’

 

Roses are red, Violets are blue,

Orchids are expensive, will a Dandelion do?

 

 

Mummy hedgehog explained to her children how to cross the road safely ‘Get between the on-coming headlights, roll up into a ball and the car will pass right over you.’ Young Fred did as he was told and Mummy Hedgehog later admitted that she hadn’t warned them about Reliant Robins…

 

Hickory dickory dock. Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one but the other escaped with minor injuries.

 

Red sky at night: hay shed’s alight. Red sky in the morning: firemen are yawning.

 

Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Minced lamb and mash: shepherd’s pie.

 

Two Ballymena ducks were crossing the road, when one of the said ‘Quack, Quack!’

‘Dinny say that tae me’ the other replied. ‘A’m goin’ as quack as A can!’

 

The frog was sitting quietly by the pond in the middle of the park when two ladies walked past. ‘Excuse me’ said the frog. ‘I don’t mean to startle you, but if you pick me up I have something very important to tell you.’

One lady picked him up and, sitting in the palm of her hand, it explained ‘You see, I’m not really a frog. I am really a handsome young farmer, with a thousand acres of best farmland and a magnificent farmhouse – but I annoyed the local witch and she turned me into a frog. If only you would kiss me, then the spell will be gone, I will be a gentleman farmer once again and I promise to marry you and share my farm with you.’

The lady popped the frog into her handbag and closed it securely. ‘Aren’t you going to kiss him?’ asked her friend in amazement. ‘No chance!’ she replied. ‘With the state farming’s in today, I’ll make far more money out of a talking frog.’

 

Whether the weather be cold or whether the weather be hot,

We’ll weather the weather whatever the weather,

Whether we like it or not.

 

 

 

Notice:

If you notice this notice

you’ll note it’s a notice.

If you don’t, you won’t.

 

Notice:

Please do not walk on the environment.

 

Notice:

You are here.

Night, night, sleep tight.

Don’t let the bugs bite.

If they bite, squeeze them tight

And they won’t bother you another night.

or

Night, night. Sweet repose.

Lie on your back and you won’t hurt your nose.

 

This Notice is far more effective than your normal “keep off the grass”, just put up the following sign…….

Warning

Creeping Bent

 

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, owls go hoo, cows go moo.

 

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Cook.

Cook who?

Did you hear that? It must be the first cuckoo this spring!

……………………………………..

The Frenetic Alphabet
Designed to enhance ambiguity and avoid clarity:

A as in Shed
B as in Hive
C as in North
D as in River
E as in By Gum
F as in Go Away
G as in Whiz
H as in Dropped
I as in Wash
J as in Cloth
K as in Shoe
L as in Fire
M as in Nice
N as in House
O as in Dear
P as in Sewer
Q as in Bank
R as in Jim Lad
S as in Bend
T as in Bag
U as in Female Sheep
V as in Sign
W as in 2 Female Sheep
X as in Kiss
Y as in Not
Z as in Bed.

………………………….

 

 

More countryside jokes urgently required. Please contact me. Thanks!